Friday, January 26, 2007

~*~Looky What I Won!~*~

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Well, my comment was selected as one of the winner's on Lindsey's site, "Surburban Turmoil"! Thank you!

Yay! I am so surprised and flattered!
This is my "winning entry": (it sounds so GRAPHIC taken out of context!):-)

"I was sitting on the pot in my third trimester with this big old uterus resting on my upper thighs. I saw a bit of lint or something on the floor and reached down to pick it up.
*POP* ScReAM!!!!
I broke my zyphoid process....for freakin'real. It is that little wiggly, dangly portion at the end of your sternum, at the bottom of your rib cage...the part of the body that can be broken during CPR if not careful. However, NO ONE warned me you can break your own if you have a really large uterus and you pound it into the top of your equally large late-pregnancy fat thighs while taking a constipated dump!
I felt like I had been stabbed and could not straighten up. So, I sat there on the pot, barely able to reach around to give a courtesy flush before screaming for the hubs to come rescue me.
I told my doc about it who totally blew me off with "you can't break those like that!" (Duh, I am a nurse and I KNOW you can...and I DID!)
Fast forward to delivery and skipping the whole horror that was my labor. When the kid with the watermelon sized head was finally out, the doc looks over my blue paper draped knees and sees my zyphoid process pointing all wonky toward my right leg. He said, "Hum, I guess maybe you DID break it after all."
Then he reached up and POPPED that sucker back into place! If I could have gotten my fat legs off those stirrups, he would have gotten a round house kick to the head he would never have forgotten!
Annnnnd, I had to suffer the embarassment of the snickers and whispers from almost the enire hospital staff (I was an ER/OR nurse there at the time) when they HAD to come see my self-inflicted, almost-episiotomy.
It happened like this:
I roll my fat blob self out of a water bed (??!!) on the morning of delivery with the tremendous urge to pee YET AGAIN..only to discover it was my water I take a shower to get all April fresh or whatever...step out to dry myself off, swipe "down there" as best I could...what with a 400 pound baby inside me and a broken zyphoid process and all. I feel a searing pain...and draw back a bloody towel and figure I had just given birth but can't find the baby.
Nah, it seems I had given an extra vigorous drying to "sensitive tissues" with a towel that an errant sewing needle had nested into during the wash....and I ripped that sucker right thru the you-know-what!
Yeah, that one was good for a few Nurse Lounge laughs.
But I got revenge on all of them cause I had diarrhea with every labor pain and they had to take care of that. So there."

Told you....hope you weren't eating when you read that.


delightful-d said...

Congratulations! I enjoyed reading all of the stories. Everyone is a winner in book. :)
Have a great day!
Minnesota Mom #30

~Nancy~ said...

Congrats to you too!

I'm glad all turned out well for you.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

To think, I had a hand in making this prestigious honor happen. Sweet! What did you win? A home episiotomy kit to avoid any embarrassing rips and tears next go round? Maybe some anti-diarrheal medication? All of which are very useful items.

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

OUCH! Oh gosh that was terribly funny! Poor you, birth stories are almost always funny in some strange way, but your tops the cake!

Jerri said...

Oh my goodness!!

Can not even imagine this. OUUUUCH!

Thanks for the referral to Mrs. Darling's site. SO interesting.

You, too are strong, Nancy. Keep writing. Keep being your lovely self.


Stacy said...

This is a midwife who has attended over sixty births writing, your story the funniest and excruciating story Ive heard yet. Hope you are feeling Alot better now.